Pricks!!! or How It Took Me 8 Weeks to Get a Provisional License

Having left it until this late to apply for a license the shame of having to scab lifts everywhere finally drove me to seek what many of you got years ago: A provisional drivers license, which as you all know is one step closer to being a big boy/girl and being able to drive a car by yourself. Who knew it would be this hard? Certainly not I or I would not have bothered my arse. Witness my woes:

Week one
Apply on-line for Drivers theory test. Test is scheduled for two weeks to the day. Not a great start but having been familiarised with the notorious delays in this country I take it in my stride.

Mood: Impatient but positive
Total Cost: 35 Euro
Attitude: "Bring it on World"

Week Two
With one week to go I busy myself with reading the book and doing the CD:ROM. Seems like a piece of piss.

Mood: As before with slightly more impatience
Attitude: "Well world? Where is it?"

Week Three
Day of test. Having memorized the book I am confident that I can take it. Bollocks. Three quarters of the way through the test I stumble over some questions that just aren't in the fucking book and aren't necessarily solveable by common sense. Impending feeling of doom as I stroll in to the next room and am faced with...34!!!!!! Failed by one fucking point. Storm out of the centre and into nearest internet cafe to book next test. Go through book to spot questions in there. Informed to by woe that test has been updated and that book has now been rendered obsolete. Next day purchase new book and bargain price of 18.99. Put failed questions to 5 fully licensed drivers. 4 answered incorrecly on all.

Mood: Cranial Volcano
Total cost: 70 for two tests + 18.99 for book = 88.99
Attitude: "Did somebody just cut off my penis?"

Week Three
Every waking minute is spent reading the new doubled-in-size edition of the fucking book. Storm into test and emerge 8 minutes later to be told...."oh our printer is broken. You will have to call our number in England tomorrow to get your results." Feel like I've been run over again. Call number next day: "Oh you got 40 (Thank fuck) we'll send the cert out to you in the next few days"

Mood: Township-invading-rape-and-pillaging
Attitude: "I wish I could drop a contraceptive bomb on this city"

Week Four
Wait. No Cert.

Week Five
After 11-12 days of waiting call number again: "Oh thats been sent out yesterday". An lucky escape for you my little telephone answering friend. Little did you know that I have a finger on a detonator to a bomb that is attached to your phone that I was happy to push had you told me you hadn't sent it out yet. One week until christmas. Surely it must arrive with the christmas post.

Mood: Somebody shit in my cereal and eating breakfast is mandatory.
Attitude: "There is no way to make shit taste good"

Week Six
Christmas comes. A card from my friend in Manchester arrives. Sent two days after my cert was supposedly posted. No cert.

Mood: Most hungover christmas ever.
Attitude: Tis the season to be...Fuck you

Week Seven
New years eve, two weeks to the day it was supposedly sent out and nearly four weeks since I sat the fucking test, the cert arrives. Straight into town. Eye test? you're not serious. Fine! Photos? No problem, there's a photo booth in Tesco's, Jervis Street. Machine swallowed money. "Sordy luv, das notin' ta do wi' tesscho's. Yell hav ta call de numbur on de si-ed". Run around town to find a photo booth. Find one. Take photo's. Run to Motor tax office. Two photo booths inside the door. FUCK!!! Hand in details. "Next week it will be out to you". Sorted

Mood: Relief until I remembered...
Total cost: 70 (two theory tests), 18.99 (book), 27 (eye test), 15 (licenese fee) 6 + 6 (Aborted photo attempt and successful attempt) = 142.99!!!
Attitude: "I hate you all"

I now have little to no interest in learning to drive and I have yet to go through the actual learning to drive part not to mention the wait for the drivers test. Oh joy of joys.

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