Things That Will Be Shit in 2008

Having promised this rant I have now decided to deliver albeit several weeks later than any of the other previews of the year that are out there. So here are just a couple of things that you can take for granted are going to suck significant amounts of balls this year.


THE NEW U2 ALBUM

I’m not even 100% sure if they are bringing out a new album but going on the previous pattern of album every four years it seems pretty assured. The trouble is that it will no doubt be as bland as Weetabix without sugar just like the last two have been. Shame really. You show U2 how to use technology and they come out with three albums of funkiness in Achtung Baby, Zooropa and Pop and then when people ignore the latter they decided to do this back-to-basics shit they've been vomiting up since the year 2000.

Anyway towards the end of this year be prepared to hear a high energy rock and roll single with inane lyrics to be played everywhere followed by a slowed down ballady number called “Sometimes you can’t make it get stuck in a moment you can’t get out of” or some such shit.

The ensuing world tour the following summer will however be unmissable as, naysayer or not, there are few live bands better than U2 just for sheer spectacle.

OXEGEN

Put simply:

'Nuff said?

U.S. PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS


Finally eight years have gone and we can look forward to many long years without Bush. This will create absolutely no difference for a lot of my friends but bad puns aside we are looking forward to a time of great hope and prosperity. People will throw up their arms and rejoice because world peace has finally come. People of all ethnicities will dance and sing in the street and throw all their differences aside and look ahead to a bright future.

The above fantasy is really what most people on the planet have in their heads regarding the end of Dubya’s reign in the White house. I hate to be the one to drop the Atom bomb of truth on you all but the fact is that the appointment of a new president in the US will make little to no fucking difference as far as world policy is concerned. True, there might be just that little bit less concern about starting wars for oil and the literacy standards might rise somewhat throughout Washington but there hasn’t been a US president yet who hasn’t pissed off people in quite a large way and the damage that was done by Bush will last for some considerable time.

No no my friends, a pessimist I may be but as the mighty Bill Hicks said, the rules of American politics dictate that there be two puppets. One on each of the arms of the same puppet master. I might also remind you that a pessimist is never disappointed. So this Autumn be prepared for a loud unenthusiastic chorus of "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss". Unfortunately it will not be preceeded by one of the greatest Rock N' Roll screams of all time (Ref: "Won't get fooled again" by The Who; watch the vid and check out about 7.30 for fucking awesomeness)



SUMMER






See my earlier point about pessimism.



TELEVISION


I’m all for unions, and the members of the WGA, for the most part, have been particularly fucked with the previous deals they’ve had with studios but at the same time I do quite like a few of the shows on TV. What this writers strike has meant is that Heroes is already finished after 11 (poor) episodes. Prison break will only last 13 episodes. 24 Season 7 is indefinitely postponed. Lost will only run for 8 episodes and the worst of all………………Scrubs and Battlestar Galactica may not get the mighty sendings off they deserve as their final seasons will most likely either be seriously shortened or cancelled outright.

Naturally there are other shows affected but these are just the ones that I watch so Desperate Housewives can kiss my ass.

The fact that all the scripts for films released in 2008 have long since been finalised will mean that this year will see the usual batch of movies of varying quality but come 2009 if the strike persists and with absolutely fuck all scripts written it could be a bad bad year for people who give a bollocks about films in general.



EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS



Three reasons why this is a bad thing and all of them contradictory.

1. The fact that it’s on, full stop.
2. Ireland aren’t in it.
3. England aren’t in it.

Now the first two might be self-explanatory. I’m one of those sad fuckers who will only watch sports events if I can cheer for a team that I have a connection with so if Ireland aren't in it I'm not going to transfer my loyalty to Croatia.

You might think it strange that I’m disappointed by the fact that England aren’t part of Euro ’08 but which would you prefer, them not playing at all or them playing and losing terribly to some team that should be far inferior to them considering they invented the fucking game. Would you really deny the whole of Ireland the chance to laugh in unison just like that wonderful day when they played Portugal 20 months ago. I wouldn't and that is why the month of June will be a dull dull month punctuated by a week in Glastonbury, which is something that should really go on a list of Good things in 2008.....