egoeccentric: Scientology

Tom Cruise has done what seems to be a gigantic change of opinion but what might also seem to be a desperate man searching desperately for attention.

A couple of years ago he criticised women (Brooke Shields in particular) that used drugs for Postpartum Depression (which you can get after you drop a sprog) as his own church/cult of scientology do not agree with it.

Cruise says: "It came out wrong, it's just not true. I was raised by four women who have children and babies. I'm not trying or want to tell anyone how to live their life or what they should believe or shouldn't believe."

Perhaps I'm being overly cynical about all this but doesn't it seem that it might finally have gotten through to Cruise that all the craziness of 2005 might have done a little something something to hurt his reputation and that he might now be trying to get it back again in time for his next blockbuster. Hmm I say. The length of time we have to wait before he denounces scientology altogether remains to be seen.

We all know one. The kind of person whose desperate quest for approval leads to stretching of the truth- and often the spinning of elaborate yarns which test the patience of even the most credulous of listeners. L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the Church of Scientology (and general loon), was one such person. Exact details are sketchy, but many historians insist that the phrase 'full of shit' was in fact coined with Hubbard in mind.

In honor of the worldwide protests against Scientology held last weekend, here’s a rundown of Hubbard’s crap. As you shall see, it’s fairly epic- and this is just the harmless stuff.

Click below to continue..

Hubbard certainly had a flair for fibs, and made a pretty penny from them over the years. His magnum opus of bullshit, Dianetics, has been reeling in people all over the world since the fifties- with suckers coughing up hefty sums of money at every step. From your average Joe willing to empty into their savings account to be a part of the gang, to prize morons like Tom Cruise & Nancy Cartwright (Yes, Bart Simpson), it seems like Hubbard's yarns have held pretty tight.

But at what point does it all start to seem a little far-fetched? Surely Hubbard has at some point dropped a pile of crap hefty enough to make even most miserably deluded of souls step back and say, 'Hang on, this all sounds a bit silly'?

Fib: Like most compulsive liars, Hubbard indulged in a spot of self-mythologizing when talking about his childhood. According to Church of Scientology biographies, L. Ron was brought up in Montana, on a ranch that took up about one quarter of the entire state. He spent his childhood mastering the skills of hunting & tracking; along the way becoming the nation's youngest ever Eagle Scout- and at the age of four was honored with the status of 'Blood Brother' by the Native American Blackfoot Tribe.

Bullshit level: 4/10

There is some truth to this story- Hubbard was indeed brought up in Montana. His childhood was not that of the ridiculous Davy Crockett protégé as he claims, but that of a regular middle-class kid. The Blackfoot Tribe deny all knowledge of Hubbard's 'Blood Brother' status, and have responded to later requests by Scientologists for a reestablishment of said connection with a trite: 'Bugger off, we don't even know what a Blood Brother is'. Further doubt is cast on this particular assertion by the fact that no one has ever heard of the Tribesman who allegedly mentored Hubbard during his childhood- a completely believable character named 'Old Tom'.

Fib: Upon obtaining his PHD in nuclear physics at Princeton, Hubbard joined the Navy where he served in all five theaters of World War 2, becoming a highly decorated War Hero.

Bullshit level: 3/10

L. Ron Hubbard did in fact take a class in nuclear physics, but at George Washington University, not Princeton. And he failed. There is also some truth in his joining the Navy, but a war hero he was not- his most notable accomplishments being a prolonged submarine attack off the coast of Oregon on what turned out to be absolutely nothing; and taking pot shots with said submarine at a civilian Mexican territory as gunnery practice.

Fib: His stunning military career was cut short when he was horribly wounded in action- being not only blinded, but crippled (in the course of some heroic act, no doubt). Through the miracle of Dianetics, he cured himself completely, and while he was at it, eleven other veterans to boot.

Bullshit level: 6/10

I can just picture L. Ron feeding this crap to some poor soul foolish enough to listen, and probably amazing himself with every new twist. 'Crippled, you say? Blinded- You poor devil! But, say, Ron, I can't help but notice that you seem to be perfectly fine now'. Hubbard was admitted for treatment in Navy hospitals, but for the thoroughly less impressive ailment of 'stomach ulcers'. Doesn't quite get the ladies to come a-running…

Fib: While undergoing surgery, Hubbard died on the operating table and went to heaven. On passing through the pearly gates, he came across a wall of monitors displaying all the knowledge in the Universe, past, present & future. He quickly absorbed this knowledge, returned to life and put it all in a book which was entitled 'Excalibur'. Hubbard claimed that the knowledge contained in Excalibur was so shocking that anyone who read it would die. He fed this crap to his then literary agent, describing how he had once shown the manuscript to a publisher in New York and it had resulted in the reader throwing himself to his death from the twentieth story of a building.

Bullshit level: 8/10

Kudos must be given to Hubbard here, as he turned what could have been a routine hallucination caused by the anesthetic, into a multi-million dollar industry. Drug fueled ramblings or not, it's doubtful whether or not the book Excalibur ever existed. And the publisher throwing himself from the window? What do you think?

Fib: Hubbard claimed he could 'teleport' himself through space (super-powers he gained through Dianetics, obviously, and could be yours at a price) and regaled friends with stories about how the surface of Venus is heavily populated by human-like beings dressed in fifties attire. 'They say the surface of Venus is made up of gas, but I know better, having almost been run over by a freight train there just this morning!' -Oho!

Bullshit level: 9/10

At this stage Scientology devotees get nervous and start to fidget. 'Freight trains on Venus? How do we explain this one?'. Answer: bury it. This and other parts of Scientology scripture are only made available to 'higher level' members- higher levels which, ingeniously, can only be reached by paying huge sums of cash. Which bring us to...

Fib: Seventy-five million years ago, a Galactic Confederacy existed, led by ruthless overlord Xenu (left, as imagined by the BBC). The Galactic Confederacy's civilization bore an uncanny resemblance to, you guessed it, life on Earth circa 1950. To cut a long (long) story short, Xenu had a overpopulation problem, so with the assistance of psychiatrists (??), rounded up billions of citizens under the pretense of "income tax inspections" and sent them off for extermination on the the prison planet of Teegeeack (Earth). These unfortunate buggers were all unloaded around the bases of volcanoes which were then blown up with H-Bombs. Their souls were subsequently captured and forced to watch a 3-D movie for thirty-six days which implanted in them the (fake) stories of all modern human religions. The souls are still moping around the earth today, randomly attaching themselves to humans and making them miserable. They're shooed away by (no prizes) the magic of Scientology. Yay.

Bullshit level: 100/10

Hubbard may in fact be a complete genius. The above pile of festering gibberish is at the highest level of top-secret in the Church of Scientology- thus costing your average gullible fool approximately $300,000 - $500,000 to hear it. And what do they do when the secret is revealed? My guess is that they suddenly start to think about how much money $500,000 actually is. They almost certainly don't believe it, with many top level Scientologists arguing in the face of embarrassment that the story is merely allegorical, ala The Old Testament. Which suggests to me that Hubbard's bullshit wasn't all swallowed up like ice-cream, and even his most dedicated followers at some point realized that the old man was taking them for a ride.

But at least Hubbard had some sort of a vague method to it all, as proven by the fact that the Church of Scientology still going today, and richer than ever before- sure, spin all the bullshit that you possibly can, talk yourself up and feed them any old crap that comes to mind.. just make sure you're getting paid.

A lot.

For more sense on Scientology visit www.xenu.net

Also highly recommended is Panorama's documentary on 'Does Scientology Still Deserve It's Sinister Reputation', which can be found on youtube. Click for part 1.

Thanks to Rorie for his help illuminating me on these crazies!