They used to just shoot at us...but now they turn into sweet cars.



Just shows how easy easy acting is when you use the Christian Bale method.

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Our favourite childhood toys come alive to beat the crap out of each other again, courtesy of Michael 'KABOOM' Bay.

Pros

• Shia La Beouf isn't really as annoying as people make him out to be.
  
• And Megan Fox is quite nice.
  
• More action and screen-time for Megatron, who was criminally underused in the first film.
  
• Fanboys will be pleased to see Soundwave make an appearance (he used to be a ghetto blaster, now he's a satellite).
• Several more original voice actors from the cartoon have been recalled. Which was the only way those characters were ever going to work, to be fair.
  
• John Tuturro gets a well earned pay-day.
• Mike Patton voices a transformer, though whom and at a what point I cannot tell you.
  

Cons

• Why it has become an unwritten rule that blockbusters must be over two and a half hours in length is beyond me.
• On that point, this movie is very, very boring.
  
• To be able to legitimately accuse a film in which photo-realistic, transforming, robot aliens wage epic battles amidst a backdrop of some of the world's most spectacular scenery of being boring... well... that's bad.
  
• Michael Bay has overdosed on, well, Michael Bay films- resulting in camera work that when not confusing, is simply nauseating.
  
• The comedy. My god, the comedy.
  
• Seems to take a third act plot device straight out of this summer's other blockbuster stinker, Terminator Salvation.
• As has been pointed out be other reviewers, the Transformers themselves are too damn complicated on the eye. Just what the hell is going on?

This movie should be a landmark in cinema history, and it may yet prove to be one. For me, this is absolute proof that the 'effects movie' has reached its saturation point. Hopefully this travesty will prompt a return to more traditional methods of filmmaking, such as putting more than 10 to 15 minutes thought into the script.

Oh, wait, 3D is back.

Well, that's that idea put to bed.

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Boooooooom, Bang , smash, Pow, pow, peeeeow pow

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From The Sun:

AIRPORT guards stopped a man boarding a plane — for wearing a Transformers T-shirt showing a cartoon gun.
Brad Jayakody, 30, was shocked when he was told to change his top if he wanted to catch his flight from Heathrow’s Terminal 5.
IT consultant Brad — on a British Airways trip with four colleagues to Dusseldorf, Germany — asked to see the security chief.
He thought the boss would "see sense" — but he backed up the decision and threatened him with ARREST.

Aussie-born Brad said: "My mate set off the alarms and was searched.
"But then the guy told me to stop and said ‘you cannot get on the plane because there is a gun on your T-shirt’."

The top has the Transformers film character Optimus Prime on the front.
Brad, of Bayswater, West London, added: "It’s a cartoon robot with a gun as an arm. What was I going to do, use the shirt to pretend I have a gun?
"I was flabbergasted. I thought the supervisor would come over and see sense, but he didn’t. After I changed he said if I changed back I would be arrested."
A spokesman for Heathrow operator BAA said: "If a T-shirt had a rude word or a bomb on it for example, a passenger may be asked to remove it.
"We are investigating what happened to see if it came under this category."

AAAGGGHHH!!! The Madness. Surely these Heathrow employees should be clipped around the ear and told to get back to reality. Funny, in a slightly Lisbon Treaty related angle to this story, I heard on RTE news last week that Yes on Lisbon will bring an end to the whole '100 mils of liquid on a plane' thing, and get rid of the stupid plastic bag precaution. Thank jeebus. Let's steer this ship back towards the realm of sanity.

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Optimus and Megatron reunite with Leader-1 from Challenge of the GoBots.

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So seeing as everybody loves lists and what have you I have decided to make my first post here a listing of general rantings about a few things that just weren't really that good in 2007. Feel free to disagree.

School shootings

At this stage we're all accustomed to Yanks shooting the shit out of each other at every available opportunity but its a bit unusual when somebody not from America does it. Just like Pekka-Eric Auvinen who did it in Finland and whats more he did it wearing this peachily nihilistic t-shirt as you can see yonder.

This bastard had to go and ruin it for us world-weary types who can't help but remind the happy go-luckyers that, yes, Humanity is indeed overrated. So...shocking waste of human life and all but also shocking waste of a fun t-shirt that I would no doubt have ordered off funshirts.com or wherever, had this prick not gone and shot a load of Fins. Plus he also sullied the good name of the excellent KMFDM by using one of their classics in his manifesto video.

Elsewhere in the world somebody went mad and shot up Virginia tech but to be honest, US school shootings just aren't sexy anymore. Its all about Scandinavia now apparently.

The ending of the Sopranos

Not the actual ending of the show itself because it fairness all good things have to come to an end and the show itself ended nicely. What I'm talking about is the ending.


That moment when Tony is sitting in the restaurant waiting for his family to come in and then this bloody nonsense starts up. And ever since every nightclub and TV ad has boomed this song about and made sensible-minded people remember just how shit Journey actually were and how its a good thing that they were left back in the 80's.



So thank you Tony Soprano. Thank you very fucking much. And to all those retro fiends who can't get enough crap like Journey. Fuck you too.



The middle section and Epilogue of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows




Snore and Bleughh!!!!!! in that order


Was it entirely necessary to set this book over the course of a year and have Harry & Co. wander around aimlessly feeling sorry for themselves for most of that time? Pah!!!


Was it also necessary to leave nothing to our imaginations by showing us what happens to our heroes 20 years down the line? Scoff!!!


Was it also necessary to make Dumbledore gay after the book had been released? Um. Wow. Never saw that coming. Oh wait there was nothing in any of the novels to suggest it whatsoever.



Maddygate


The perfect marriage between reality TV and soap opera. Join us, as we The Sun, The Star and other assorted rags take a tragic tale of a taken tot (alliteration hello), pull on your heartstrings one minute as we show you picture after picture of her distraught parents and then tomorrow we'll put a spin on it by suggesting that they did it themselves and then do another 180 right back again.




The sickest thing about this whole circus was the fact that none of this daily shit made any fucking difference. The kid is still missing and lets face it is probably dead. All its done is to remind us that human decency and faith in humanity goes out the fucking window when there's newspapers to sell.

Bad Coke

So two Waterford punters and "Ireland's Top Model" went and died for the country to realise what anybody with half a nostril knew all along. That Irish Drugs are shite and that sooner or later they will kill you with their shitness.

The fact that after Katy French died the media went mad trying to find the guy who sold the shit to her just goes to show how fucking moronic we are in this country that we think that catching some wannabe socialite like this gimp is going to solve the problem. I'm sure that he was exactly the same guy who sold it to the two misfits from Waterford. Oh wait, no not fucking likely. A little fish in a big pond.

And so to dear sweet Katy. I didn't know who you were when you alive. I'm still not too sure who you were now that you're dead but we'll miss you.



Transformers

Every summer there's at least one Hollywood blockbuster that gives you the feeling that you're being fucked by Satan for every agonizing minute of it. Usually I manage to get over such rapings but NOT when they are based on childhood toys and cartoons that I absolutely adored.

Not to reiterate too much what Cracked have said on this movie, they're usually right about most things but how fucking difficult was it to have giant transforming robots beat the shit out of each other for two hours? Obviously quite difficult if you're Michael Bay. Instead you fill it full of bit parts that are completely pointless and irritating and/or celebrated actors who will proceed to piss on their own legacies (I look in your direction John Turturro and Jon Voight).

Then you can have a ludicrous and pointless plot and then to top it all off you have one of the most annoying up and coming actors of all time in the shape of this man. I swear to almighty God, Shia LeBoeuf, but if you fuck up Indy 4 like you did Transformers then I'm going to stomp and storm very very loudly.

So thank you Michael Bay. Thank you for pissing on my childhood.

End of rant. Join me next week when I will tell you all how crap 2008 is going to be.

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